


Own Your Heart

by Butterfly



Series: Like Something Out of Wuthering Heights [2]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-11
Updated: 2009-11-11
Packaged: 2017-10-02 15:05:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterfly/pseuds/Butterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris just wants to fix things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Own Your Heart

"This is bullshit," Kris said, staring down at the music sheet - covered with notes and none of them made sense any more. "We have to start over. We can't use any of this. It's complete bullshit."

"But you had eight songs done already," Jen said, and she actually sounded a little nervous and- fuck, he couldn't blame her. He was acting crazy today, he knew that.

But he couldn't sing any of these songs. He could barely look at the lyrics. In fact-

He held out the pile of paper to Jen. "Get rid of it - all of it."

"What about the demos?" she asked, a piece of paper fluttering out of the messy group and landing on the floor right next to her low black pumps. It was Adam's fault that he even noticed shoes these days.

"Burn them, shop them around to other people, I don't really care," Kris said. "Just make it so that I never have to look at them or hear them again."

"You loved these songs last week," Jen said.

"Yeah, there was more love to go around last week," Kris said and- and he couldn't even be in the studio anymore, pushing himself to his feet and hurrying out, with Jen a few steps behind him. He whirled around and she lost a few more sheets of paper. "How close are you to Adam?"

She hesitated, her gaze going down to the jumble of papers that were filled with songs, mostly about... about everything that he knew wasn't true anymore. "Only as close as you want us to be," she said, quietly. "My loyalty is to you, Kris."

Kris looked at her and wondered if he could believe that. But it didn't matter. She would tell Adam or she wouldn't. He pulled out a card and wrote down the address and room number of the hotel that he'd checked into that morning. He'd promised Adam that he wouldn't leave - and he wouldn't - but he'd needed a place to go where everything around him hadn't reminded him of Adam.

"I want you to call a high-class escort service," Kris said and Jen blushed but didn't look away. "Have them get their best, most discreet guy and tell him to go to this address tomorrow afternoon at two. It doesn't matter how much it costs. Okay?"

Jen nodded and he tucked the card into her tiny purse.

"After that, you have the week off," he said.

It was some twisted kind of luck that meant he'd found all this out about Adam during a time when they were both scheduled to be at home for another couple of weeks. At least when everything had gone wrong with Katy, he hadn't been expected to spend every moment with her.

Kris and Adam were known as an exceptionally close and affectionate couple - that changing so suddenly wouldn't look good for either of them. And that... paying so much attention to PR, that was from Adam, too, from one of Adam's many lessons on how to handle himself in public.

How not to embarrass Adam, maybe, though Kris had never thought of it that way before.

When Kris got home, Adam was already there - it looked like he maybe hadn't left all day.

"How was- did you get any writing done?" Adam asked, and Kris had only just gotten through the door and Adam was reaching for Kris's shirt and pulling it up and over his head. Adam kissed him and it was easier to kiss back than to answer the question.

Adam fucked him, for the first time since Kris had found out the truth, and that was the same as it had been before, almost too wonderful to bear, only Kris felt hollow afterwards, incomplete.

Like Adam had taken something with him after he pulled out.

Afterwards, Adam seemed to be in a pampering mood and Kris let him - he couldn't deny that he loved it when Adam treated him like he was special and even... even though he knew the truth now, it still felt good. So, he let Adam kiss him and massage him and rub lotion into his skin and say all the sweet words that didn't mean anything anymore.

"We're going to get through this, baby," Adam said, whispering against the curve of Kris's ear. Kris closed his eyes and waited until Adam fell asleep, then he slowly pulled himself out of Adam's arms and slipped out of the bed. Adam generally slept pretty well these days, so Kris could catch a few hours in a guest room and be back in bed without Adam ever missing him.

Because he didn't think he'd be able to stand it if he stayed.

He didn't get much sleep, dozing for a few minutes at a time and then jerking awake again. He would have slept better in Adam's arms - he always did - he couldn't help but hate that.

In the early morning, he crawled back into bed with Adam, shivering. Adam moved toward him, mumbling something in his sleep that Kris couldn't make out. Kris let Adam hold him tight and then he waited. Time slipped away and it seemed like hours before Adam started to shift and rouse.

He wasn't surprised that Adam woke up in the mood for sex; he'd always loved how much it seemed like Adam wanted him all the time. Adam jerked him off, gentle and slow, and then fucked him, and Kris wondered if he should ask Adam to start wearing condoms again, the thought drifting away almost as soon as he had it.

Adam pressed a kiss against Kris's shoulder and then headed off for the bathroom. Adam had a bunch of meetings today, starting at one, but they would be alone until then. Kris pressed a hand against his cock, soft now, and breathed in deep.

He could do this.

He was still repeating that to himself at five to two, waiting in the hotel room for his guest.

For his prostitute.

The knock at the door made him jump and he had to take a minute to settle himself down before answering it. The guy wasn't as tall as Adam, and his black hair looked like it was natural. He had green eyes - pretty eyes - and he was completely professional, asking for the money upfront.

"What exactly did you want?" The guy - probably not actually named Silver, but it would do - asked. "You gave me enough for anything that won't scar."

Kris swallowed, fighting to keep his gaze up. "I want lessons."

It wasn't so bad, being with a guy who wasn't Adam. And Silver was helpful as could be, correcting Kris with gentle touches and soft words. Afterwards, Silver kissed him - the only time that they kissed - and gave Kris his card.

"You need more help, you just call me," Silver said, brushing his knuckles gently against Kris's cheek. "Not everyone's gonna know how to treat a guy like you."

"A guy like me?"

"Fragile," Silver said, and he slipped out the door before Kris could summon up his protest.

He wasn't fragile or delicate or _breakable_. He was still standing, after all. He was working on making things better for him and Adam. Kris rubbed his fingers over the raised numbers on the card, held it out over the garbage can.

Then he bit down on his lip. He couldn't expect one lesson to fix everything.

So, instead, he slid it into the pocket of his jeans.

He'd planned on taking a shower when he got home - all his clothes were still there - but he hadn't planned on Adam being there. With food he'd obviously picked up on the way home, including some things that Adam didn't even really like. Adam still had another two hours of meetings, but there he was, grinning hopefully at Kris for about five seconds.

Then he seemed to register the hastily done-up shirt, with the white stain on the shoulder that Kris had planned on scrubbing out before he even put things into the wash. Silver had been nice, but kinda messy.

"If this is payback, I guess I deserve it," Adam said, calmly enough, but Kris could see the tightening around his eyes - he was mad. Kris shook his head before he realized it and Adam didn't deserve an explanation, he _didn't_, but Kris... maybe he needed to give it.

"It's not what you think," Kris said, and his voice was still slightly hoarse. Adam's lips pressed together for a second before he relaxed.

"Really?" Adam stalked - there really was no better way of putting it - closer to Kris and it was maybe the first time that Kris had ever thought in anything but a playful way about the fact that Adam outweighed him and, with all the exercise they'd been doing together, he knew most of what Kris knew about wrestling.

Kris licked his lips and tried not to be turned on. "Are you upset because you feel like your husband betrayed you or because you feel like someone fucked your property?"

Adam reeled backwards, like Kris had just punched him in the jaw. He looked so completely shocked that Kris felt like shit for saying anything, even if- Kris walked forward, placed his hand on Adam's arm. Adam stared down at it like they were strangers.

"I shouldn't have-"

"Yes, you should," Adam said. He was looking up again, though not into Kris's eyes. He reached out and pressed his fingers against the dried stain. "You can tell me what happened today. I'll listen."

"I did it for you," Kris said, and he shouldn't be so happy that Adam was paying attention. He should still be mad, still be upset. But he couldn't help smiling a little as he dug the card out of his pocket and gave it to Adam. "He was teaching me." Adam took the card from him, eyes narrowing as he examined it. Kris kept on babbling, hoping that he was finding the right words. "I know that- I know I'm not very good. But I can get better, Adam. I- I'm a fast learner. I am. I won't call him if you don't want me to, but- but you have to tell me when I'm doing something wrong."

"Sex lessons," Adam said, and there was a tone to his voice that Kris hadn't ever heard before. Something in between anger and... horror? "You went to a - what, an escort? - for lessons in gay sex."

"I can learn," Kris said, in case Adam hadn't heard that part. "I can be good enough, I promise."

"Cassidy once said to me - and... he didn't know about the scheme that Brad and I were pulling, you should know that - he said to me... that the most vulnerable man in the world is the guy who's just realized he's gay," Adam said. His hand was cupping Kris's cheek now and Kris squinted at him, trying to work out where he was going with all this. "It was just after he found out about us. He was worried about you."

"I'm not weak," Kris said.

"Didn't say that, baby... but I am," Adam said, and he tilted Kris's face up for a kiss. It was tender and sweet, and Kris leaned into it like a plant into sunshine. "You see? I shouldn't have done that."

"I'm not leaving," Kris said, and his voice cracked. "I'm trying to fix things - why shouldn't you kiss me? I like when you kiss me."

"No, you're trying to fix _you_," Adam said and Kris shook his head. "Yeah, you are. You're assuming that this happened because... fuck, Kris. I thought- but I guess you just traded one foundation for another."

Adam looked sad and resigned and- _no_. No.

"Please don't leave me," Kris said, and he was not supposed to be the person begging - why was he always the one begging? "Adam, you left me once, please. Please, don't. I'll do anything."

"And this is where I'm the weak one," Adam said, his voice wavering. "Because the best thing for you is to walk out that door right now. I just can't-" And Adam tangled his fingers with Kris's, brought his hand up for a kiss. "I can't make you. Or tell you to do it. And I won't walk out on you. I said that I didn't know if I was in love with you... you make me smile. You're so talented. Gorgeous. Never really felt like I deserved the way you looked at me, not when you had Katy at home. But you wanted it so much. Why did you have to want me so damn much?"

"You listened to me," Kris said, quietly. "And you... you _got_ it, you know? The first time I ever saw you... I knew. It took a long time for me to get that right with the rest of myself, but I knew the first day that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

"You are such a romantic," Adam said and Kris had to reach up to brush away a tear from Adam's cheek. "That's not a compliment, by the way."

"So are you," Kris said, wiping away another of Adam's tears. "You're just a cynical one."

"This is like fucking Wuthering Heights as far as romance goes, sweetheart."

"I never read it," Kris said.

"Let's just say that I've seen healthier relationships," Adam said.

"Ever been in one?"

Adam snorted, as good as answering 'no'. Kris had kinda figured that, since he didn't think healthy relationships evolved into... well, whatever the fuck Brad and Adam had been playing at when they'd come up with their 'romancing the straight guy for votes' plan.

Both he and Adam had done pretty poorly, all things considered.

"Maybe it's time to try something new," Kris said. And Adam stared down at him, looking just about as lost as Kris had been feeling all day. That knot, the one that had lived in Kris's stomach since that phone message had first started to sink in, finally loosened.

Because, yeah, he _had_ learned something from winning American Idol - to keep reaching, even when he didn't think he could make it. Adam had believed in him when he hadn't believed in himself. That was still true, just like Katy had been there for him when he was a kid.

Now, he had to be there for himself.

To reach out for what he wanted.

And, no matter how tarnished Adam was right now, he was still everything that Kris wanted in the world. Maybe it wasn't healthy - his mom would freak out if she knew the truth; fuck, so would Adam's - but it was _his_.

"This time," Kris said, slowly, thinking out the words with care. "This time, I'll do the driving."

He touched Adam's mouth, smiled up at him, hopeful and warm.

Maybe this wasn't the right choice.

He made it anyway.


End file.
